Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Use "feeling words"
Yay
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
