Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
