I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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