Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
