you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
