i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
