I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize