I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
