My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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