I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
