I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
