i would punch a child for taco bell
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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