I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
