i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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