She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
