: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
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