she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
