You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
