So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i think my mom watched the whole time
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
