your parents love me but you hate me
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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