for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
