imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I understand Curling. That high.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
