Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Randomize
