you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
We are two peas in an std pod
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
