i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
