did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize