I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
