the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
