U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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