I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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