Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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