im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
