I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
