he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
