In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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