I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
