Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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