Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
