there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Randomize
