I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
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