now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
