did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
