I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
