y did u give ur computer a hand job?
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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