I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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