you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
