Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
