i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
