and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
