every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
you're hired as official boob wrangler
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
