dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
