If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
