i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
You left your phone here
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