somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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