This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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